The Perfect Girl
by Count Duckula
Summary: R for audacity with plenty more to come. After years of crappy pairings Harry finally meets "the one", NOT FOR MARY SUE LOVERS OR EASILY OFFENDED PEOPLE


**Disclaimer: **Harry and his "gang", they all belong to JK

**Author's Note: **A HUGE SPECIAL thanks to every author on fanfic who hates stereo types. I'm guilty of Harry/Sirius pairings and a (AS IN JUST ONE) Mary Sue myself, but I hate Mary Sues….maybe I should take down the fic…whatever. The point is I love parodies that mock authors who try and get "original" (don't get me wrong, originality is VERY hard to come by, but if you can't be REALLY original don't make up stupid shit), like "wandless magic" WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! If there was such a thing Godric and the rest of them would have learned it and EVERYONE at Hogwarts would have picked it up too...maybe this isn't the place to rant. Enjoy the fic :D

**Chapter 1: **Harry Potter and the…name that sounds cool

Harry Potter, to his great dismay, was not rippling with muscles. In fact he was so damn skinny if you blew bad breathe in his direction (not even like really bad morning breathe or anything, just like you had an onion in your burger kinda bad) he would die. He was looking forward to go back to Hogwarts for one reason and one alone. _Free food_. Oh sure Hermione and Ron were great friends, and Dumbeldore let him do whatever the hell he felt like, and because he was so damn famous he could get laid more often than he ate if he felt like it, but the food was great.

On the other hand though, there was a boy at Hogwarts whose startling good looks could rival Sirius Black's in his young days. I mean GOOD LORD was that boy FINE! And his name was Neville Longbottom. One day he got tired of his grama's bitching and went on a diet and worked his ass off. So now HE was rippling with muscles (not those nasty body builder muscles, but _hey how YOU doin'_ muscles), and got his teeth straightened and…ooo I need a minute to fan myself….ahem…sorry. But this story isn't about Neville (I only mentioned him because he is now FINE and Harry still looks like…well Harry). This story is about Harry and the girl he falls in love with.

It started as a normal day, Draco kneed him in the balls, Pansy licked his ear and rubbed them better, Professor Trelawney pinched his ass out of nowhere, and Fred was at breakfast…wait…

"Fred what the hell are you doing here?! You left a year ago!" Harry demanded.

"Oh yeah…sorry mate." Fred grinned, picked up a few tarts and ran out of the castle. Harry straightened his collar, and then turned his attention to the most enchanting creature he'd ever seen in his life.

"Whatcha starin' at mate?" Ron asked as he shoved some toast in his mouth (cos let's face it, Ron could eat Buckbeak and still be as skinny as Harry, why not take advantage of it?).

"her." Harry answered in a trance.

"Whoa…yeah she really is somethin' huh? Go talk to her. She'll bang you."

"Yeah." He resolved, and began to walk towards a GORGEOUS girl with cascading hair, and twinkling eyes, and a figure like HOT DAMN. She turned and met his eyes, and opened her mouth to speak, when Harry shoved her out of the way and was facing the object of his desire. She had crooked eyes that didn't look in the same direction, her bottom jaw jutted out revealing her hideously crooked teeth. Her hair was stringy, in fact, she was bald in some places, and had zits that would make Stan Shunpike vomit. In fact that's exactly what Ron did that moment, he blew chunks all over Parvati, and Lavander burst into insane laughter, and then turned and made out with the first guy that walked by, who happened to Goyle. ANYWAY…….

"Uh…hi I'm Harry." Harry announced.

"I'm Jane." The girl answered in a VERY hick voice, which caught him a little of guard because well, this was bloody England. But at the same time, that mingle of spit and drawl was so damn sexy he just had to hear her talk again.

"Are you new here?"

"Maybe."

"Huh?"

"Flabberghast."

"Excuse me?"

"Jnekfjnefoihwekfjb"

"Are you speaking Gobbledegook?"

"No, typo."

"Oh, I hate those."

"Yeah you would."

"Do you want to come to the Yule Ball with me?"

"It's September."

"Oh yeah…I can make it December if you like."

"No January is better."

"Are you part veela?"

"HOW DID YOU GUESS?!" She cried, spraying him with spit.

_I'll never wash my face again…well I guess I can, I mean I just have to say something that will excite her and she can do it again._ Harry thought. Just then the bell rang, never mind they had only been there for about ten minutes.

"Bye Harry."

"Bye…." He said in a really stupid trance as mentioned before and watched her walk away. She had no ass what-so-ever. Damn, that was a keeper.

Okay there's my first chap, please R&R


End file.
